Today parents are active, autonomous and mostly healthy. One does not see them growing old. And suddenly catastrophe: illness, a fall, heart attack, the beginning of dementia. All of a sudden, the couple realises the old age of the parents because they must be of assistance for them. Urgently sad to say, they are no longer independent and need help. The couple is very widely affected by the responsibility for elderly parents and all the more often, the necessity of facing the test of four parents still living. To take care of aging parents is not without consequences on the couple.
Old age, a shock for the couple
People do not expect the emotional, physical and financial consequences of old age. Suddenly, the parent’s health fails and they ask for help: a hip fracture, Parkinson’s disease or Alzheimer’s, which deteriorates more rapidly than forecast; the discovery of cancer, a heart condition or a stroke
The loss of independence of the parents is well and truly a shock for the couple because it falls on top of them without warning. As long as the parents are well the couple sees themselves as young and in full possession of their means. A quiet and peaceful life awaits them because the children are often grown up and retirement is well underway. In the emergency the couple abandons all of that, sees their future projects collapse: it becomes necessary to take care of their parents as a priority. The life of the couple changes to start a role of “carer”.
A new role for the couple
The main consequence of the responsibility for the elderly parents is that the roles change. The parents, who have often been an effective help for the couple, either material or financial (child minding, cleaning, holidays, gifts) become an expense.
The order of the generations changes, the couple become the parents of the parents. It stirs a paradox for each member of the couple who, whatever their age, is always considered the child of his parents, a child protected by the generation above. For the couple, this time constraint is a source of sorrow, of sadness, of a childhood lost forever.
The parents become a moral charge; the couple becomes responsible for them. It becomes necessary to make choices in their place, to take heavy decisions with consequence. That is a source of dispute, of incomprehension within the couple because the two members do not always agree about the solution to take. Indeed, the emotions and filial love are at play and each wants to prioritise his own parent.
Furthermore, the elderly parents are not always docile; they do not allow themselves not to interfere because they do not wish to surrender to the gravity of their deficiencies and often accuse the couple of wanting to rob them and even of wishing to kill them. When the parents do not obtain what they wish they lean on the sentiment of guilt and the obedience their children owe to them. Divide to rule, to the detriment of the couple’s stability is their mode of protest. The conflict is upon the couple, since alone each member of the couple rediscovers his place and his childhood guilt, while the other remaining adult attempts to see it more clearly and find solutions convenient for everyone.
The elderly parents, a burden for the couple
To take care of our aging parents is a legal obligation. It is impossible to escape it. The parents become the priority in the life of the couple. The only difference with the children is that the couple has not chosen to take charge of their parents: it is imposed on them. It is a weight that is likely to break up the couple; it is therefore a necessary preoccupation, it demands attention.
Also, it is best to become a team because the danger of splitting the couple is not far. Each is occupied with their own parents and is not willing or able to occupy themselves with the parents of the other. And to make good the misfortune, often the aged parents make it worst by claiming exclusively the support of their child and reject sometimes the other partner’s.
The couple that welcomes one of the elderly parents to the house is in great danger if not setting boundaries around its couple. It is the end of the intimacy of the couple, the necessity of a permanent presence and often a sacrifice for the partner who is not genetically related to the old person welcomed. The difficulty of the couple does not come so much from the lack of gratitude implied by the parent. Too often all the family think it is normal and that you are not owed any thanks.
It is, finally, less free time for the couple. The trips to see the parents, the repeat visits to the retirement home, and also the daily visits to the parental home to do cooking, housekeeping etc puts a severe strain on the physical and mental health of the members of the couple.
The parent comes before the needs of the couple. For the couple, to become a “carer” in spite of oneself is also a danger because occupying oneself with the elderly parents sparks self-neglect and danger of “burn out”. One takes less care of oneself, of one’s health, of one’s physical appearance and especially, one neglects the couple. It is therefore a great pain for the couple to see that one of the members is not there for the other but in a permanent preoccupation with the old person. It results in a psychological disengagement from the “We”.
On a financial level, it is an extra financial charge because it becomes necessary to hold the accounts of the elderly person and even to pay out of one’s own pocket the hospital bills, the care costs, the rest home, the home helpers. The couple savings are then turned towards the needs of the old person, sometimes arousing resentment; the bitterness of the couple wanted to use this money elsewhere; potential arguments within the couple about the use of the money arise.
Powerlessness of the couple in the face of bereavement
In the end, the aged person finally dies. The couple is then powerless in the face of bereavement which touches one of the partners. The only choice the partner can make is to accept the grief of the other, accept seeing the return of the little defenceless child who has come to lose his father or his mother; to be just there to console, to accept the weeping without being able to do anything.
There is also the conflict menacing the couple since one of them is able to reproach the other with not understanding, of not suffering as much as him in this loss. It will be necessary to understand that grief is personal before becoming a couple’s issue.
The aging parents are a true test for the couple. There is truly no miracle solution for preserving the couple but to think about it in advance and anticipate the consequences of this test will help live better these things. It is urgent to prepare for the loss of independence of the elderly parents and talk with them carefully and affectionately about how they see the end of their life. It is then to determine together which rules of the couple will be applied to this upcoming situation in the future.